Challenges

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. And for good reason. The hits just keep coming for us here at my house. And all of that affects me. But I am a warrior and I am persistent and resourceful so I am fighting and kicking serious ass. I am stable(for now) and although I am dealing with a lot, I am leaning heavily on my faith. But lately I've noticed something. I have recognized that as someone who has a mental illness, on any given day there can actually be too much information about it. Allow me to explain.

• I have a plethora of liked mental illness and bipolar centered Facebook pages.
• I have a subscription to bphope which is a magazine for those dealing with bipolar disorder(amongst other mental illnesses).
• I also get emails from bphope magazine, and the other organizations that I have on Facebook.

Thankfully we are in an era where there is more awareness(mostly,) and there is more of an open dialogue about mental health in general. But.... if I am at the lower end of a cycle, I am affected by everything I look at, read and am exposed to. I even have to moniter closely what I am watching on TV because negative images, crime, and bloody scenes can affect my depression and take my mind into some unwanted territory. 

So sometimes I don't want to see the link to a support page on suicide when I am not suicidal because it can make me suicidal. I don't really want to get caught up with the links in my news Feed on Facebook about impulsivity or how spending(which is an issue for me) is affecting my marriage simply because it could trigger negative self talk or even trigger me to be impulsive. There are days if I am already in the throes of fighting against my feelings of ineptitude that I have forgotten to take my meds on time by taking your meds on time. 

I don't want to see blogs about the wonders of mania when I am clearly not hypomanic seeing as how in the world of rapid cycling and mixed moods, not being hypomanic or at least the euphoric kind, is just no fun at all. 

I realize that some might think that the easy solution to that problem is to just not look at it, or read it or acknowledge it. Yes, avoidance can help sometimes. But it's not recommended to avoid "all" triggers when you are cycling between moods. And it's insanely difficult in a digital and informational world to stay away from everything. As a matter of fact, it's just not really possible. I have to check my email. I tend to go on Facebook so I can keep up with friends and family when I'm in a tough spot as I don't have a ton of friends or a lot of family nearby. And of course I get the magazine because truth be told, it's kind of irresponsible to not keep finding ways to deal with my illness or find out what kind of headway we as a society of sick people are making in other countries. I realize I am backtracking, and these resources really are invaluable. And maybe on a different kind of day, when the wind is blowing just the right way all of this may be a non issue altogether. 

But on the days or minutes or hours, where I am low and depressed and all I want to do is crawl into a ball and not be here, I mostly just need people support. I need encouragement, not education. I need a bit of a loving nudge, not a firm all consuming shove. Some days I just need to know "I" am loved. Not listen to other's stories about being in an institution and how they almost died. Because sometimes all of that information is useless anyway when put up against the broken chemistry that is affecting myself and so many others. 

So listen. I guess this is my annoying blog to all the friends who are in a good spot. Who are open to listening to just another person yammering on about how I deal with my problems(or don't). If you know someone with a mental illness and they are having a hard time, just give them a hug. Send them a card. Just do that one little thing for them that will make them feel worthy of LOVE. Tell them how much they mean to you. Listen to them. Or just be there, under the covers, showing them that they aren't the crappy person they think they are. Who knows. It might just be enough to pull them out of their muck. I know they'd surely be grateful. 

-V