Optimistic

 So lately I feel leveled out. Normal. I got a glimpse into what being normal feels like. I get those breakthroughs from time to time. And it's so easy, and smooth and calm. I can make good decisions and stay consistent. I can think ahead and plan and follow through quickly. That's not normal for me. 

So maybe that peace felt good after the high instead of the crash. I mean, it's so much better for me to be leveled out rather than depressed. And I ask myself. Is 'normal' sustainable? I don't know. But when I ask myself the bigger question, is 'dysfunction and chaos' sustainable? The answer is obvious. 

It will be time soon to try Lithium. I'm really hoping it's what I need. I know there is no 'cure'. But if I can find something that works, then that's great. I am optimistic. 

-V


"Be optimistic...don't ya be a grumpy...when the world gets bumpy, just smile, smile, smile and be happyyyy, don't wear a long face it's never in style...be optimistic and smiiiile!!" 
-Susan Sarandon in 'Anywhere but here'. 

Scrambled eggs.

That's how I've felt lately. Like scrambled freakin eggs. One day I'm a nice neat Omelet. Beautifully placed on the center of a dish, with fresh raspberries bounced about around it. Like a commercial for IHOP. Some days I am over easy, the mushy stuff in there but not quite cooked. Just swirling around in there. Other days, like the days I've had for weeks now I've felt like scrambled eggs. I have Bipolar 2 disorder, rapid cycling, with mixed moods. I also have Generalized anxiety disorder and a touch of OCD. Today I am telling it all to Go to hell!!! I hate this disease. Sometimes when I'm hypo manic I feel blessed with it, because my creativity is ridiculous. My energy boundless. My mind is sharp and open and I am able to have functional conversations with people without fumbling my words. Sex is amazing. It's like being high without the drugs. 

I am in the depressed state so to speak right now however. And with that comes the darkness. The little devil that tells me how much of a loser I am. How I haven't accomplished anything and how I'll never amount to anything. How I am not worth loving, and how I am just better off dying. I never experienced that kind of depression before my 3rd child. Unfortunately he was the catalyst for making my disorder worse. So now when I get depressed, being suicidal can come quite quick and easy. I wasn't prepared for that. So I am still learning how to cope with it, and work past it. I am scared though. I am scared of the thoughts, the feelings. I am already bored with it and my life Thanks to this flipping disorder. To hell with you Bipolar!! I'm going to take a temper tantrum right now and say it's just not flippin fair!! It's not fair that I have this wonderful life, but that I have to suffer as Indo at times. Why does it exist? I just don't get it. In terms of GOD I mean. I know I am put here to suffer because it matures my soul. 

I also know that if it were like a hundred years ago I'd have had a lobotomy and be sitting in a cage in my own filth rotting away. I am grateful that I am not and that there are meds to 'help'. But today, just for now. Just for the moment, I hate it. I hate the lot I've been given. I despise the fact that I have these beautiful kids, a loving husband, everything I need and that all I can think about some days is dying. It's just not fair. There, rant over. 

On the upside, I am starting to feel better. I am looking outside at the trees and Carolina blue sky and the gratitude is already starting to peek it's little head through. I know there is hope among the ashes. I know there is joy and love, and wonder. I know how much my family loves me. And I will be OK. I know that. So I'll continue to do what I do best. Survive. And march on. And just try to be prepared for what comes next. 

-V