Living without therapy

I got a call a few weeks ago about having my weekly therapy session, but this time it was about having 'teletherapy'. Basically therapy over the phone or on video chat. The assistant wanted my email address to get it up and running, but the fact is, I had to reject it. I have 3 kids at home. In the midst of this virus we are homeschooling which I can safely say I've NEVER anticipated ever doing. But we have no choice. What that also means however is that I can't do teletherapy. My husband is working from home, and I have no way of being alone in a private situation to talk openly about my issues. This is going to take a toll. It's already taken a toll. My anxiety is at bay for the moment but it's still simmering below the surface. But I've had moments, or hours and even days where I feel like I could jump out of my skin and others where I was a hair away from having a full on panic attack. All I can think about are all the people out there going through this as well. All the people that are living lives in a constant state of 'pause'. Living in a constant state of fear as we watch the numbers go up and hear about more and more people that are getting closer and closer to us. I am thinking about all of the people on the frontlines, the Dr's, nurses, assistants, techs, police, fire, that are risking their lives for others. All the while just hoping and praying we don't get the virus ourselves. I have asthma and a few other health issues so I am high risk and I've never felt like this before. So I need therapy. But I can't. I just have to suck it up for now and keep moving. In anticipation for the day when we all can 'un-pause' our lives and continue where we left off. God Willing.

Aye Corona

 I'm sitting outside on my back patio and my head is starting to hurt. It's beautiful out, the sun is shining and it's 84 degrees. A welcome change from the almost 2 weeks of colder, rainier, nasty weather. Thanks to the Coronavirus, or COVID-19 as it's being referred to, we've been self isolating. Being stuck inside is hard enough, but now it's gorgeous out. Why am I complaining? Because there is pollen everywhere. All over everything. I have allergies and asthma and the tabletop where my laptop is sitting on currently is a bright shade of yellowish green. And I can feel my nostrils tingling, and the mucus building a bit as the crap makes it's way up into my sinuses. I'm going to suffer later. I'll be surprised if my asthma doesn't get activated and I'm forced to give up my after dinner walk, a habit I've started since being forced to stay in my house.

The truth is, I'm desperate. For fresh air but also for freedom. I know one day this virus will go down in the books, but in the meantime here we are in a semi mandatory quarantine situation. It's pretty traumatizing. Especially for someone like myself with a few diagnosed mental illnesses. The depression is looming and I am fighting tooth and nail to keep that mother at bay, but it's not easy. My anxiety is peeking around a corner too, just waiting to pounce and my hypo mania is just starting to tickle me. I'm not laughing though.

When I type it out, it all sounds so trivial given the state of things. But in this moment, it's my reality. And all I can do is stay home, and pray. Pray for my father who is at high risk but still has to go to work as well as anyone else affected. Pray for mine and so many others' sanity. Pray that I blindly make my way through this situation. But the most important take away is that I may still be stuck, with a headache and allergies and asthma issues. But I'm still here. Be well.