So I fell asleep sitting up on the couch last night and now I'm pretty tired today. I wish I were one of those people that I have seen that go to bed super early and are completely functional the next day. But alas I am not. Truth be told I don't even think I know anyone like that. And if I do know someone like that, well, I just don't think we should be friends anymore. Ha! Because I just can't compete with that. I used to use the old adage that staying up later was the only way I would have "me time". But that excuse isn't valid anymore because I hardly see my kids nowadays. My daughter who is 11 has grown really, really independent and likes to go for bike rides and spend time in her room. And my 2 young boys like to go outside and play with their friends outside or at their friends houses. So there's that excuse. The other "reason" is because I have bipolar disorder and my impulsiveness tells me to live a little and staying up late is about as exciting as it gets with breaking the rules around here. And frankly it's about the only decision that I can really make for myself. Everything is dictated by the clock. Breakfast, dropping kids off, cleaning, blogging, laundry, watching Netflix, picking up kids, making dinner and then the bedtime routine. I mean that's a pretty organized and busy day! I'm falling asleep as I'm typing this. ha! In any case we cannot control very much in our lives. Our schedules are made for us, our lives are full, obligations left to be met and people that need us. It's an intense, pressure filled life. So the night time comes, for me it's the most relaxing(for my anxiety) time because the kids are in bed, and safe. I get to sit down with a snack(or 2 or 3) and decide what "I" want to watch. I can get all cozy and warm under my blanket with my kitty cat laying beside me and watch my program or movie. I'm happy.
And then Zzzzzzz - Ya can't win!
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Friday, November 8, 2019
Loss (POSSIBLE TRIGGER ALERT)
So in June of this year, my family and I moved to Texas. I am happy to say it's an amazing place. I love it. And the transition has been great since we moved in the summer and our new home has a pool. We've also settled in quite nicely to our home, aside from some straggler boxes that we've kind of forgotten about. They start to blend in after awhile don't they? But all in all, things are, for all intents and purposes, good. But well, I am depressed. And the darkness has crept in just enough to remind me of my dear friend Claudia. You see, about two weeks before we physically got on the plane to come to Texas, in May of this year, she took her own life. It still baffles me to say that two weeks before uprooting my whole family and moving to another state even further away from my family and friends, I had to attend a funeral. Her funeral.
This is my first time writing any sort of blog about it too. I've avoided really examining and further processing it in any kind of depth, due to the fact that around 8 months before this loss, one of my sisters passed away from cancer. I was also already grieving the death of my mother in law the previous year and my own mother was diagnosed within that time with frontotemporal lobe dementia. It seems as though "Loss" was not going to let up regardless of whatever else was going on. And make no mistake there were many other things going on. I've even since lost another of my sisters this past August as well.
But in any case, 2 weeks before this huge move, I was faced with this. It was surreal. I've only ever known one person that took their own life and I wasn't close with him so this type of loss(suicide) was and is, new to me. And maybe some would say a loss is a loss, but let's face it, how a person passes away matters in the grieving process. At least for me. I also have experience with suicidal thoughts and ideation because I have multiple mental illnesses so even on days when my depression isn't severe, the thoughts can float up every now and then. This, unfortunately is what made me think of her on this particular day. I think of her in so many positive ways more often, but on this day, it was different.
There isn't a person who knew her that wouldn't say she was just the most amazing person. She was a helper, a doer, an encourager, loyal, faithful, giving, kind, loving, the list is endless. All the best things a person could be, she embodied that. And the quantity of people she helped, loved and brought her light to, is endless as well. There have since been organized races, and a multitude of events as well as a business that was started as a memorial to her and a celebration of how she would serve her community. The mayor of her town even named a day after her beautiful soul for the level of inspiration she provided to anyone she came upon. Just freakin amazing. She called me 'boo' which I'm sure was her way of being affectionate to so many but she just made you feel special. And her smile could light up a room. I miss her dearly. I couldn't believe how many people were at her funeral. But then while there I said to myself, "of course you can believe it, she touched everyone!".
In October of 2018, a mutual friend of ours took me and a few other friends to the beach for my birthday weekend. I really wanted her to go, but she couldn't for one reason or another and I so wish she could have. I envision the talks we could have had. But most of all the laughs.
Two months prior to her passing, her and I had been texting and trying to make plans to get together but they kept falling through due to illness running through my house. So after her passing, I re-read all of our texts from the past year. I could see that she was reaching out for connection and that she must have been going through some stuff. And it makes me feel like maybe if I would have seen something, or known how close she was to the edge, could I have helped pull her back from it? I know I am one of a very small piece to the puzzle that was her life, but I might have tried. The gravity of this situation is nothing short of an atomic bomb though. The shrapnel is everywhere. I am still picking some pieces of it out of me. Some pieces however, I don't think - no, I know I'll never be able to reach. I see her everywhere. One thing I find so hard to work through is that her and I were so similar.
Claudia had bipolar disorder and anxiety. So do I.
She had children, and a family that loved her. So do I.
She loved her family and her friends dearly, as do I.
She was a woman of deep faith. So am I.
She looked for beauty and fun and joy in everything and everyone.
I do the same.
Her birthday is 7 days before mine.
She loved music, and dancing. I do too.
We went to the same church. I could go on.
It's scary. It's sad. It's frustrating. And it's just not fair. I see her everywhere. She had unique hair so when I see that hairstyle on other people I immediately think of her. I see her name in places and I know that's her showing me she is there. And with time, with that pain, I can and will choose to take heart. I can choose to believe that despite her earthly burdens, she lives on; supporting and watching over us from the other side. Even now as I write this her spirit is pulling me out of my funk and into the sunlight. And I am so grateful to know that she is free, and at peace and with Jesus. I can accept that I will be sad that she is gone;
but am filled with overwhelming gratitude that our paths crossed in this great abyss of a universe.
And that even for a moment, she was able to share her sparkle with me.
"Shake it boo".
This is my first time writing any sort of blog about it too. I've avoided really examining and further processing it in any kind of depth, due to the fact that around 8 months before this loss, one of my sisters passed away from cancer. I was also already grieving the death of my mother in law the previous year and my own mother was diagnosed within that time with frontotemporal lobe dementia. It seems as though "Loss" was not going to let up regardless of whatever else was going on. And make no mistake there were many other things going on. I've even since lost another of my sisters this past August as well.
But in any case, 2 weeks before this huge move, I was faced with this. It was surreal. I've only ever known one person that took their own life and I wasn't close with him so this type of loss(suicide) was and is, new to me. And maybe some would say a loss is a loss, but let's face it, how a person passes away matters in the grieving process. At least for me. I also have experience with suicidal thoughts and ideation because I have multiple mental illnesses so even on days when my depression isn't severe, the thoughts can float up every now and then. This, unfortunately is what made me think of her on this particular day. I think of her in so many positive ways more often, but on this day, it was different.
There isn't a person who knew her that wouldn't say she was just the most amazing person. She was a helper, a doer, an encourager, loyal, faithful, giving, kind, loving, the list is endless. All the best things a person could be, she embodied that. And the quantity of people she helped, loved and brought her light to, is endless as well. There have since been organized races, and a multitude of events as well as a business that was started as a memorial to her and a celebration of how she would serve her community. The mayor of her town even named a day after her beautiful soul for the level of inspiration she provided to anyone she came upon. Just freakin amazing. She called me 'boo' which I'm sure was her way of being affectionate to so many but she just made you feel special. And her smile could light up a room. I miss her dearly. I couldn't believe how many people were at her funeral. But then while there I said to myself, "of course you can believe it, she touched everyone!".
In October of 2018, a mutual friend of ours took me and a few other friends to the beach for my birthday weekend. I really wanted her to go, but she couldn't for one reason or another and I so wish she could have. I envision the talks we could have had. But most of all the laughs.
Two months prior to her passing, her and I had been texting and trying to make plans to get together but they kept falling through due to illness running through my house. So after her passing, I re-read all of our texts from the past year. I could see that she was reaching out for connection and that she must have been going through some stuff. And it makes me feel like maybe if I would have seen something, or known how close she was to the edge, could I have helped pull her back from it? I know I am one of a very small piece to the puzzle that was her life, but I might have tried. The gravity of this situation is nothing short of an atomic bomb though. The shrapnel is everywhere. I am still picking some pieces of it out of me. Some pieces however, I don't think - no, I know I'll never be able to reach. I see her everywhere. One thing I find so hard to work through is that her and I were so similar.
Claudia had bipolar disorder and anxiety. So do I.
She had children, and a family that loved her. So do I.
She loved her family and her friends dearly, as do I.
She was a woman of deep faith. So am I.
She looked for beauty and fun and joy in everything and everyone.
I do the same.
Her birthday is 7 days before mine.
She loved music, and dancing. I do too.
We went to the same church. I could go on.
It's scary. It's sad. It's frustrating. And it's just not fair. I see her everywhere. She had unique hair so when I see that hairstyle on other people I immediately think of her. I see her name in places and I know that's her showing me she is there. And with time, with that pain, I can and will choose to take heart. I can choose to believe that despite her earthly burdens, she lives on; supporting and watching over us from the other side. Even now as I write this her spirit is pulling me out of my funk and into the sunlight. And I am so grateful to know that she is free, and at peace and with Jesus. I can accept that I will be sad that she is gone;
but am filled with overwhelming gratitude that our paths crossed in this great abyss of a universe.
And that even for a moment, she was able to share her sparkle with me.
"Shake it boo".
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